All Too Toxic — Do We Encourage Media's Red Flags?

Taylor Swift's All Too Well: The Short Film had fans clamouring for more upon its release on November 21st, 2021; but does the film normalise unhealthy relationships?

"I don't think I'm making you feel that way, I think you're making yourself feel that way." — Him, All Too Well: The Short Film

All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor's Version) broke world records for being the longest No. 1 Hit Single in US music history upon its release as part of Swift's efforts to re-record (and hence own) her earlier albums. The song is double the length of the original, with a playtime of 10 minutes and 13 seconds, and is supposedly the original lyrics drafted by the singer-songwriter, 5 minutes of which she released as Track 5 of Red in 2012.

To accompany the anticipated release of the 10-minute version of the song, Swift revealed that she had also directed a 15-minute short film to accompany it, starring Sadie Sink as Her and Dylan O'Brien as Him. The film charts the budding romance and ultimate breakdown of a young couple, cinematising the chapters of a relationship, as Swift sees it: An Upstate Escape, The First Crack In The Glass, Are You Real?, The Breaking Point, The Reeling, The Remembering. The epilogue of the film, Thirteen Years Gone, depicts Swift as Her, Later On, a writer who has penned a best-selling memoir of this ill-fated rendezvous, attending a book signing.

Critics have fawned over this film, praising it as "bold, brilliant work" and "dramatic and moving" with "emotional power". Fans have also expressed their support, as seen from the YouTube video's cascade of positive comments.

Perhaps the autumnal cinematography is "gorgeous", and there's something bittersweet and heart-wrenching about the way Him, Later On peers longingly through the bookshop-window at the end; and who doesn't want an attractive partner twirling us across a cozy dim-lit kitchen floor in the refrigerator light? Yet, despite the dramatic narrative and convincing acting, there has been a worrying lack of criticism against the toxic relationship the film depicts.

The message is problematic from the start. The opening frame is simply a quote from Pablo Neruda, a Chilean poet: "Love is so short, forgetting is so long." As meaningful as this line might be in poetry, out of context, as the description of a relationship, it seems to be telling the audience that it's okay to be hung up on old relationships for a long period of time. I don't know about you, but in my experience, over thinking the past is not a good way to move on and form new, better, more fulfilling relationships. The first of two speaking scenes has Her saying "I just feel like maybe I made you up" as an expression of appreciation for her dream man. As romantic as this seems, it makes the underlying statement that for some reason, the girl does not believe anything she deserves can be real. I'm not sure this is the best message to be getting across to Swift's younger fans.

The story progresses, and there's a little moment in the forest where Him decides to evacuate the car in a huff, and ends up having a heated phone call. Her looks deeply disturbed, and they sit together in silent support. This moment is beautiful and heartfelt, and may be the only healthy part of this relationship. The First Crack In The Glass is when things go truly downhill. The couple are washing up in the kitchen, and the girl is clearly displeased. Him tries to coach the topic, quite tactlessly: "Why are you so pissed off?" She desperately deflects, and he calls her "ridiculous". We find out that he had his friends over, that he hasn't seen them in ten years, and she was acting "weird and quiet the entire time" because she didn't like the way he acted around them, more specifically, because a) he "wouldn't look at [me]"; b) he "didn't ask [me] one thing the entire night"; and mostly outrageously c) he "dropped [her] f*cking hand". She exclaims in exasperation "What am I supposed to do with that?" There is more arguing, the word "selfish" is thrown around, and then the guy apologises and says he doesn't want to fight. And we move on.

I can identify four major problems with this scene:

1. The girl cannot behave as an individual when her partner hosts a dinner party with his friends. (Read: An extreme need for approval and recognition.) She is lost, and acts out of character. She voices the need for his constant attention and affection even while he is catching up with friends he hasn't seen in a decade. She is mad that he doesn't look at her or ask her questions, when it's implied that they live together and are around each other 24/7. It would be natural for him to focus his attention and energy on the group at large, and pay her undivided attention in private, no? If this isn't the first sign of co-dependency, I don't know what is.

2. They're fighting over the details. (Read: Excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviours.) She is furious that he "dropped [her] f*cking hand"! Come on, doesn't that sound a little bit ridiculous? We all have different levels of comfort with PDA (Public Displays of Affection), and we aren't obliged to hold our partner's hand ALL THE TIME. We have our own social needs; and if they're having dinner, it makes sense he needs to move his hands every now and then, to eat?

3. THERE'S A LOT OF SHOUTING! (Read: Poor communication.) I know there's this romanticisation of high drama in relationships, and there's something incredibly intimate about make-up sex (apparently), but should this really be the kind of partnership we're advertising? This type of emotional rollercoaster is draining and unhealthy — you shouldn't be screaming because he had a good night with his friends; what happened to civilised communication where you express your needs calmly and an adult discussion happens?

4. He caves and apologises (even though it's not clear he did anything wrong other than have a good time) to stop the fighting. (Read: Tendency to apologise or take on blame in order to keep the peace.) This sort of reconciliation simply enables her anger and implies that she can get mad at the slightest thing, and she will win because he'll just give in. This might lead to resentment on his end in the long-run, and is not exactly the healthiest way to absolve relationship issues.

The rest of the film goes on, and there's more shouting between them and lots of crying, and there' the nostalgia-inducing ending of Him realising that maybe she got away.

Don't get me wrong, the cinematography is well-planned and draws the audiences attention; the storyline has a good, exciting plot, complete with two points of conflict like your standard narrative arc; the cast has obvious chemistry and the acting is emotional and raw; the visual storyline goes above and beyond its purpose of telling the story behind the lyrics. Everyone out there watching this 15-minute video is weeping silently (or not) for the heartbreak and the pain they recognise in their own lives. But the "love" Taylor Swift writes for us in the script is toxic, unhealthy, codependent, and should not be the kind of relationship media is normalising for the younger population. Her fans are then maturing and embarking (or continuing) on their dating lives, believing that they need to pay me attention all the time or else it's rejection; the things I want can't be real; I need to hold on to loves like this even when it's over; shouting is okay, aggression is okay, it's normal to fight all the time, it's romantic.

At this point you might be thinking I'm overreacting, that art should be riveting and real and heartbreaking; but we have psychological proof that celebrity behaviour affects the way we act. Brooks (2018) gives us an overview of the literature to date on celebrity worship, and summarises the consensus that the lifestyles, habits, and actions displayed on social media do indeed affect what we perceive as "acceptable". For instance, cosmetic surgery is found by Swami et al. (2009) to be more accepted by people who have a stronger attraction to celebrities. Multiple studies find celebrity worship as a significant predictor for lower self-esteem and worse body-image, as well as higher chances of disordered eating. These findings suggest the connection between what is presented to us through celebrities in the media, and what we aspire to and view as desirable. Russian formalists theorised that we have two types of actions: those which we perform habitually, and so are automatised, and those which we perform for the first time, and require total comprehension. Think about it. You're drafting an email to that annoying colleague you wish you had nothing to do with, and you start Hi there, I hope you're doing well! Did you pause to think "actually I couldn't care less if you're well or not", and you definitely didn't write that. Asking after people you don't like in emails is normalised behaviour, it's the things you perceive to be socially acceptable and normal, the stuff you do without thinking too much about it, because everyone else does it and you've seen it everywhere all your life. In fact you'd be seen as weird and rude if you didn't do it. The same goes for unhealthy relationships — if it's all over the media, why wouldn't you think it's normal and acceptable? Before you know it, you'll be crying over you hand being dropped at the dinner party too.

Putting all this social media psychology to the side, toxic relationships are inherently unhealthy and dangerous, which is the primary issue with the fight in the kitchen we see in the film. Would you see a friend in a codependent relationship and think oh it's okay, they're not a celebrity, and no one is streaming their love-life in high definition, so this is fine? I suspect not. If I had to take a guess, I'd say you'd sit them down and have a Serious Chat about how bad this is for them, and maybe it's time to move on? Why are we not finding the All Too Well short film romance equally distressing?

Just a peep at the comments section will make you realise the impact this film is having on its audience. Some say that "this was the most realistic non-exaggerated love story and acting [I]'ve seen", which is, quite frankly, worrying. We have admissions that Swift "is my whole preteen n teens", confirming her impact on younger people, and that this film was "so relatable" and "beautiful". There are mentions of relating this story to their past relationships in much of the feedback, and OH MY GOSH ISN'T THIS FILM JUST AMAZING. It's clear that Swift's audience are treating this type of romance as the default. They are fitting their own experiences to the narrative she tells, they are saying "I felt this too, I know this story". For her younger audience, this provides a sense of "oh this is normal, everyone goes through it". I'm not sure everyone should.

Swift is sending the message I want them to fight with me, when we should want our partners to fight for the relationship we share. This is not the only film in popular culture which idolises these red flags: cheating is normalised in many TV shows; fights are the climatic events in subplots of most dramas. The advocacy for violent, aggressive, conflict-filled relationships glares out of our screens, making us believe that yes, these are the red flags I want in my life. But if we take a step back, is this really the kind of partnership you're looking for?

Is it time we reevaluated how the media is teaching us to love?